Letting Off Steam...

I can't remember the last time I felt so bad.

You know when feel like you've lost total control over everything and can't sort your head out to gain control again? Well that's how I feel right now. I felt like it yesterday thinking all I'll need is a sleep and it'll all be better but I woke up this morning feeling even worse. I don't want to talk to anyone because I tend to take it out on them. So at the moment I'm ignoring everyone... I haven't yet worked out which is worse? Is ignoring taking it out on them as well? I don't know.

If I try to explain to someone how I feel, I sound like I'm whining and complaining... which I totally do not want. No one else should have to carry my problems... Everyone has their own shit to deal with and I will not lumber them with my trivial ones. I don't know if blogging about it is any better though to be honest... It still sounds like I'm complaining. But I'm just trying to vent instead of having to do it to someone. And lets face it, the chances that anyone I know reading this are slim.

Every time my phone buzzes, I'm afraid to read the text in case I'll have to reply and put on a "happy" act. So far, I've ignored every text I've received this morning. Two of which were from my boyfriend and another two from good friends... Which makes me feel incredibly guilty for ignoring them but I just don't feel like talking.

But my problems are so insignificant compared to some people's... So why am I going on!? I wish I could just shut the fuck up. I get so angry with myself!! Why am I like this!? I don't deserve friends who care. Look at the way I treat them.

I feel like such a failure. Like I'm letting everyone down. Because I HAVE let everyone down. There's things I should've/should be doing and I just can't... Things like revising for my last exam, getting a job, sorting out my driving theory, sorting out more driving lessons, researching what I want to do after college... Just generally doing the things that everyone else thinks I should be doing...

I know my problem. I just have no drive to do anything. I have to be told and nagged sooo much. I need to get everything in order and do what's right for me. I don't know how to sort this though? I put things off "until tomorrow" so invariably, they never get done. I should just get on with it and deal.

Hmmmm... I've kinda run out of steam. You know when you've had a good cry and you just feel exhausted? I feel like that now, like I could sleep for a million years. I wish I could. I also wish I could have the biggest hug in the world... But wishes don't come true.