When The Pain Of Your Mistakes Keeps You Awake...

Hello. Ciao. Bon jour. Hola. Merhaba. Hallo. Ola. Hey there :) Before I start, I want to say sorry for not posting for a while and thank you to all my new followers :D I love signing in to see a new reader. I started this post last night then nearly fell asleep watching a film ('Julie & Julia' totally worth a watch :D) so I thought I'd carry on today.

So last week, I met up with Dannii and then Caitlin and had a brilliant time! I mean, I love hanging out with the boys and it's great fun but girls understand you better I think :) So I spent Monday hanging round town with Dannii. Went for a drive, had a bite to eat, lay in the sun in the Quarry and had the biggest catch up ever :) Unfortunately, I had to be back home early due to work but it was still a beautiful afternoon. On Tuesday, however, Caitlin drove to mine (I swear I'm the only one of my friends who still hasn't passed!) and we started work on Photography projects for next year. Her theme for the shoot was 'Peter Pan' so me being the only one with really short hair, spent the day dressed in a strapless dress, wandering round the fields behind my house, barefoot :P Apart from being freezing cold, it was great fun! We also drove to some old ruins in the afternoon to see if they'd be any good for a shoot. Here's a couple of Caitlin's photos/edits of yours truely dressed as Peter ;)

I don't know what's going on with the twig!

For the Indian scene...

Thursday was a big day. Got to Fergus's for about half nine where I walked to college with him, Anto and Jamie to collect our results... Eeeeek. I honestly felt like I was about to be sick! I'd told my parents not to expect much because I knew I'd done pretty badly. But to be honest, they were better than I expected... Well, I passed everything...

• Photography: A
• Music: C
• Performance Studies: C
• English Combined: C
• (General Studies: E)
• (IT4L Level 2: Pass)

General and IT4L are in brackets because they don't really count... We're forced to take them. Also, uni's don't accept them for UCAS points or anything like that. I was pleased with Photography and Music because I beat my target grade in both (Photog: B & Music: D). Though I know I can do better in English and Performance so I was slightly gutted about those. I will re take the exams in January I think. I know I can do better than that. Especially in English because my coursework was an A and I nearly got full marks for it. I messed up the stupid exam though! Gah, I rung my Mom when I got them to let her know, she said well done and everything but I can tell she was disappointed. My Dad, on the other hand, was chuffed. But I still feel like a failure. I need to do better next year. Especially if I want to get into uni. 

Something's just occurred to me that's made my stomach drop and confused me so much.... Why am I trying to get into uni to do something I can barely scrape a C in and I'm not great at when I could go and do something I may actually be okay at and get A's in...? Now I don't know what to do. I'm so scared of making the wrong decision. I can't bare the disappointment from others and in myself. I don't want to fuck my life up any more than I already have done. I don't know what to do. I wish I was ten again so that someone to tell me what to do. I'm so scared but I know that thinking about it at 12:30 at night will make it seem so much worse. I hope this week goes fast, so everyone will come back off holiday... I need someone to talk to.

So back to Thursday I guess. It was also mine and Fergus's five month anniversary. Five months has gone pretty fast. Which is also a scary prospect. But we just spent the day together which was nice. Went to the cinema to watch The Inbetweeners Movie which was hysterical. If totally cringey :P I loved the way the whole cinema just burst out laughing all the time :) We also went to town for a bit where I got my helix pierced :D Fergus came in with me and held my hand because I'm not good with needles and what not but it was actually fine. Freezing it hurt more than actually piercing it! But afterwards it killed :P I haven't been able to sleep on it this week but it's getting better :) I also went to an open mic night that The Parallax were playing at in the evening which was a nice way to round off the day. Even if it was slightly mental with some very over enthusiastic moshers for other bands that actually made me fear for my life :P But here's a photo of the piercing and of my haircut :)

Sorry you can't see it that well!

As for the rest of the week, spent the weekend with my grandparents because the 'rents went down to London for the weekend. Lucky buggers. We went to Wales (Conwy & Llandudno) for the day though which was really nice :) Took some half decent photos as well. Once again unedited sorry :/ 

These are the memories I want to keep forever...

I'd planned on actually getting some college work done today... But no. Once again, I've acted like the failure I am and done nothing. Why am I even trying to get into uni?! I WILL start tomorrow. I have a week and a bit to get it all done/started... Ooops. I'm sorry but who in their right mind set's work to do over the SUMMER holidays?! I know we're older now and everything but I'm fairly doubtful as to how many will actually do it. I've not been in the right mindset today anyway...

I don't know why I feel like this again but it scares me as much as the thought of messing my life up does. Probably because this is how I always mess my life up. But I know this feeling far too well. The feelings of loosing control of everything around you, the constant worrying, feeling alone... I hate it so much. I went through four years feeling like this and hurting myself. I thought I'd conquered it this last year at college. But obviously not. I have to get a grip because this is how I lose people and alienate myself. I have the best friends I could ever wish for and I don't want to lose them now. So I'll get on with it. And I'm not about to ruin their holidays by whining down their ears... So I'll use this instead. Sorry guys :/ Hopefully everything will feel ten times smaller in the morning.

Here are some photos to lighten the mood a little. I also ordered 500 Days Of Summer today to cheer myself up. I love that film so much! I watched it on Tuesday with Fergus but I want my own copy. I think everyone should own this film :') Also been listening to Gabrielle Aplin, Charlie Simpson & The Gaslight Anthem. All of whom, are my new obsessions, musically. I'd definitely recommend a listen to any of them! On the subject of Music, I came across Frank Turner's tour dates for this November :D This was probably the highlight of my day to be honest! He's playing Birmingham O2 Academy which is fairly close to where I live. I HAVE to go. My life now depends on it :P I text Fergus about it (he's the only other person I know who likes him) and he was just like "If you really want" So I might be going by myself :L But I don't really care, I have to see him! Or I'll persuade Tom or Lam or Caitlin to come with. Even though they've never heard of him :L But whatever. Anyway, back to those photos:

So for now, I'm going take three deep breaths, try to fall asleep to my music and forget my stupid, insignificant problems for a couple of hours. I will start tomorrow with a fresh head and get thinking. Thank your for spending your time reading this, I know I'm not always the most interesting person in the world! Love to you all and stay strong Xo